The wound in our lives
Take a moment to invite divine compassion and love into your memories and feelings. Observe your emotions without letting them take hold of you--be a witnessing presence to them as they pass, noting whether they are gentle or intense. When you're ready, reflect on your own coping responses to the mother wound. How does the wound show its face in your life? How do you see your experience reflected in this lesson? Be honest but also gentle with yourself. We will work on healing your wound in future lessons. Again, know that anger and other powerful feelings may arise. Take the time to write about them in your journal.
The wound is shown:
Me searching to connect; my solar plexis reaching out tendrils to get approval and friendship undisriminating and then therefore not being able to discern if this person is someone to trust.
Not feeling safe in my own mind and body; scaring myself sometimes with worry and fear.
Not knowing what is a normal, health and safe relationship with other women.
Being shut down sexually.
I feel angry knowing that this is true.
I feel regret and shame about this; I'm embarrassed by my lack of maturity and how it may be viewed by others. I'm amazed at what I was able to accomplish in spite of this.
I want to move out of living in the past.
The Ancestral Feminine
Sit quietly for a moment before beginning. Allow your mind the freedom to wander back in time, calling up any memories of your grandmothers and great-grandmothers. Picture their faces. Their homes. The words they spoke to you. Photographs you saw of them. If you didn't know your grandmothers, try to recall any stories you were told about them. Allow your imagination to paint a picture of their lives. Then, in your journal, reflect on any wounds you imagine they might have carried in light of your relationship to your own mother. Imagine your mother as a little girl. Imagine your grandmother(s) as a little girl. How might they have been wounded by their own mothers?
It seems that Grandma Esther and her siblings had been raised with confidence and power. GE was confident, had a voice, was able to support a husband and create a good basic homelife for her family. There was a lot of unchecked anger and gruffness as well as over confidence in judging others and a bit of pathology about seeing grievences everywhere and aggressively standing up for herself and hers. Could this be a reaction to being the oldest and having to protect against prejudice about. being Jewish and having to stand up for herself and her sisters in a rough family. I wonder if she had unfulfilled dreams because she was a woman. We never discussed that, but I'd like to ask Lennie.
Grandma Betty was the opposite. No confidence, no voice, no power, totally dominated by her mother who was quite a bit like GE. Like her hands were cut off. She retreated into herself and religion on an almost fanatical scale. She and GE both became Christian Scientists, but GE in a realistic way; GB would not use medicine and considered her illnesses "error" and would not treat them.
The Releasing of Shame
Allow yourself to be vulnerable as you do this exercise. Begin slowly. Close your eyes and first imagine that basement within yourself. What do you see there? Carry yourself through that space, observing what you see. It could be estranged relationships, codependency, addiction, anger, fear--any and all of the broken parts of ourselves. You may feel pain as you do this, but even in your pain, look at these things with loving eyes. Imagine a warm light shining out from your heart onto each broken piece, illuminating each one. When you get to the furthest reaches of this basement what do you see there? Shine the brightest, most loving light of your heart on it. In your journal, put words to what you're seeing and feeling. Give your shame a voice. Allow it to speak, and listen with love and tenderness to what it has to say. Take your time writing this. You may find that you need to pause for a break. Whenever you feel finished, lay your hand upon these words and meditate loving kindness, compassion, and freedom over them and yourself.
I am hiding because I am ashamed of my family. I am ashamed of the fighting, of mom sleeping, of her unfilled needs that I cannot fill. I am ashamed at the neglect for me and my sister and me having to fight for us. I don't want anyone else to know so I cover it up. I don't know how to fulfill my needs. I don't know what to do with my anger, so I turn it inward. I turn it into fear; into panic; into not feeling safe. I cut up pictures of women in magazines. I wish for another mother. I try to turn to grandmas but GE is so angry and GB is not emotionally available. Aunt Mickey has been put down so much and is full of bitterness so I don't want to go there. Aunts of both families don't attract me. A light came when Judy came. Such sophistication: therapy, art, culture. But she was threatened by us, so the hurt continued as she would not allow us to bond and connect. I knew she only did it to please my father. So who was I to bond with? Somewhat my dad; Lennie and his lifestyle. Definitely connecting with men. But dad didn't know how to handle his feelings. So I bonded with girlfriends and their mothers: the coop girls were mean; in JH: Shelley and her mom; Then Chana and me; then Susan Sloan and me. Betrayal came when they rightfully could not be mothers and take care of me. Carried this throughout my adult life as well. Used bravado and overconfidence, some judgement and arrogance to cover it up. What goes even deeper: A light that is Laura. Seeking it in art, in therapy and ultimately in Buddhism. Now I need to reveal the truth as a B of the E.
Grief
In your journal, reflect on the emotions coming up for you as you move through this course. What feelings want to join you on your journey? Allow them in without judgment. Be with them. What is it like to be with them? Let this exercise be a process of feeling and spending time with your emotions, and write down what they wish to tell you about your mother, your self, and your healing. As you do this, you might also choose to write down what your own heart needs to grieve around your mother wound.
